I'm not sure that I could call this a blog because I really have no intention of anyone ever reading it, but this is cheaper than paying someone by the hour to listen to my rambling thoughts so why not.
My intention here is to use this as a waste-basket of sorts; a place to throw away the thoughts that tend to cloud every day thought. You know, the thoughts that tend to cause anxiety, self-doubt, negative self image. We all have them; we all have those moments where we doubt ourselves, or perhaps question our lives and whether or not the decisions we've made lead us to the best outcome or if we had somehow made a different decision back when life might have turned out so much better. I realize we all attempt to find solace in the idea that life has a destiny, a predetermined route with all experiences, good and bad, existing for a purpose. Some days I buy in to it and some days I don't. Perhaps God did with us what parents do with their kids before sending them out on the field for a football or tennis game. "Go out there, do your best, we love you!" I prefer to think of God as a macro-manager versus a micro-manager.
Think about it, who would want to micro manage the lives of 6 billion plus people. If you're capable of creating something as infinite as the universe why consume your resources by planning the lives and moments of each individual. Seems silly.
Not that I sit and ponder the ideas of creationism and deities, but it was a thought that I felt like getting down. Not the sort of thoughts that help me progress through my days and there aren't really people in my life that enjoy exploring thoughts such as these so it goes in my mental waste-basket.
So... relationships. Ever have issues with them? I do. First of all, I'm picky, perhaps too picky but the rest of my life is the rest of my life, you know? I feel that I have a lot to offer and I know that my love and devotion will be unending so I think I'd prefer to spend that energy and effort on someone whom I feel is the tip of the sword. Rarely, and I do mean rarely, do I ever come across someone such as this. I could count the number of people that have been top notch that I've dated on one hand. I'm dating someone like that right now. She's amazing in every since of the word. Smart, great sense of humor, adventurous, beautiful, independent, you know, just all around great. So what's the problem? Me! I find that I'm constantly having to gut check myself to keep from freaking out. Not freaking out that I've met this awesome person or that I'm dating this awesome person, but freaking out that I'm going to lose her.
It's a real pain in the arse. I constantly have to remind myself to relax and to kill the worrying. Some things work, some things don't. Ahh, and the tie back to the "fate" question comes in to play. If it doesn't work is it truly because it wasn't meant to be or is it because we left too little or too much to fate when what we should have been doing is trusting judgment and doing the best that we can to secure the things we care about. Ah, it begs the question. Is fate to blame for failed relationships or is it because despite one person wanting everything to succeed it really takes two? I think it may just be a little of both. One of the better gifts we have been given is "free will." Something that just really can't be taken from you. Coerced out of you, I imagine, but not willingly taken. So, control is an illusion leaving only the reality that you can only do the best you can do when you care about someone and they will either care about you back and want to be with you or see something that isn't there for them and perhaps seek it elsewhere. It's always hard being on the side that thinks everything is wonderful while the other side is left wanting. Blah blah blah.
Long story short. I'm crazy about this girl, think she's awesome. Gotta be careful, though. I need to be sure to ignore the fear of loss so that I don't attempt to grip on tight to something that isn't even slipping away. You know, the whole smothering thing. It's hard, though, because something this cool comes along so rarely and all you want to do is hold on tight because it just makes you feel so good. Patience, though, patience...
No comments:
Post a Comment